I think that all of our lives we are asking ourselves or the universe or both who am I, why am I here and what am I capable of? When we are young we ask it often through our outward accomplishments, through our interests and our careers, through our hopes and our dreams, through the people we are drawn to, whom we admire and hang out with. But as we age, if we have a deep inner life we begin to become curious about other aspects of our self, our Higher Self, not just these cells but pure consciousness and our connection to higher Reality. How this Reality can show up through us as human beings, how we may have made it small, restricted it, how we may have contained it and made rules about its limits. And what is really ready to reveal itself or happen that has been knocking on our door all along?
And then every now and then something happens in a dream or in waking life that tells us we do not really have any idea who and what we are. It sends us back to our humility and our sincere curiosity about why we came here and what we may be here to do. What are the seeds to our learning? How have we stopped sowing those seeds? Do we need to sow new seeds based on unknown but compelling possibilities?
Dreams often put their fingers on our true fears that during waking life we do not express. Fears about meeting face to face our true selves, facing the Reality we all carry within us without the conditioning of polite smallness. Our dreams bring us close to parts of ourselves we would do anything to ignore or run from.
The following dream points to something that I felt embarassed to say aloud because at the time of the dream 6 years ago it seemed shameful to me— that I would run from Christ Consciousness. But if I see it as the cosmic powerful force that it is I can understand my human form trembling in its sight. And I can also see the dream as an invitation to look within, with wonder and awe. Mysteries inspire us with awe and sometimes fear that they will destroy us. And it is true that often they destroy the controlled sense we have or think we need of Reality. But if we look at Mystery not as a problem meant to be solved but a boundless territory meant to be explored, we come into relationship with what we fear or don’t understand, and that relationship can fill us with joy, respectful awe and reverence.
February 7, 2010
I dream I am working on the side for someone, a man. There is something about him that frightens me. So I never want to meet him face to face. I have been doing some work outside and have sneaked in and out of his building. He knows I am there and is trying to find me. I get into the building by a high door that I reach by building scaffolding to it. He hears me and knows I am getting in and wants to see me. He is calling my name and shouting for me. I flee. Hurriedly I get down off the platform and jump into the car and take off. I have not been paid for the last few weeks but I decide I will forfeit the pay. As I am taking off I decide to go to a building where his paintings hang, for he is a great artist. I want to see them one more time. The building is dark and lit by candlelight. It has a church-like feel to it. I hardly see the painting that is before me on the wall and then I focus on what looks like a gold image where a signature might be. It is an unusual image—as I look at it I see it is the head of Christ with a paintbrush coming out of the bottom of the head. I wake up.
As I wake up I feel confounded and shaken to the core.